This Quarantine Is Boring and Entirely Unrelated to Cars

All my classes are either on ZOOM or over the phone now. One of them is at 10am, and I generally wake up around 9:50 for it. I would wake up at 9:55, but I like to make a piss-tasting cup of Keurig coffee to match the piss I take, and put a baseball cap on.

If I don’t put a baseball cap on, I look like Stu from Rugrats. I don’t mind this, as I generally don’t put a cap on when I’m around my family all day, but I do like having some manner of respect for my professor so I do not go fucking insane.

My other class is at 8:40am, but my professor for that course gave the option of ZOOM or just a phone call. This phone call generally lasts around ten minutes. I cannot be seen, so I do not get out of bed. I just say “Yeah, OK!” over and over again until my professor says goodbye. Then, I take a piss and go back to sleep.

I look forward to my ZOOM call class, because me and my professor are on the same page. I also like to fart during zoom calls, muting myself for it. The first time I had this class I was very tired and forgot I could mute myself, so I just held in my flatulence. I told my girlfriend this, and she asked my why I didn’t just mute myself to pass the gas.

This was a good point.

If you watch the call very closely, you could see me mute myself, grin, and then un-mute myself. I can’t bring myself to actually look at my own live feed when this happens, because I would think it’s funny. I would inevitably start laughing, and then my professor would ask what was so funny. I honestly wouldn’t mind telling her I just muted myself so I could rip ass, watched it happen with a few milliseconds of lag, and thought it was hilarious, but I like the rush from hiding my fart. I don’t know. Something about it.

Since this ZOOM class is so casual–the class only has six or seven people, most of whom are my friends–I like to do stupid shit sometimes to break the monotony. Today at the end of a call, I told one of my friends that when I saw him again, I was going to fuck him up. When he asked my why, I told him I would come up with a reason when we eventually saw each other again. My professor then said that this call gets saved as a sort of record for the university. This didn’t worry me, though. She said “fuck” earlier, too.

I went outside yesterday. I sat by the pond on our property and just sort of started at the salamanders in the water. ‘Are they friends?’, I wondered. I sent a really poor picture of one of them to my girlfriend (who is on the west coast with her family right now) with the caption:

“a m b h i b e an”


She didn’t respond, so I continued my walk around the pond until I thought I heard something in the bushes. I was immediately spooked, so I went back inside. Is that some sort of nature-phobia? I mean, I have come to understand that outside bad, but I had never been truly afraid of a rustling sound in a bush. What could it have been? A coyote? They don’t really attack people. If it was a bear It would’ve been a black bear, and they’re basically just big scared rodents. You can scare them away by clapping, or not muting yourself for a ZOOM fart. I also would have noticed a black bear hiding in a bush. The bush really wasn’t that big.

My mom just saw me typing this and asked if it was for school. I said yes so she wouldn’t actually read it.




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